Thoughts of a Stuttering Fool

It’s the memories that haunt you. It’s the moments that flicker through your head or the ones that are kept on film lying around just to taunt you and say, “They’re not here anymore. They’ve walked out that door and broken all those fragile promises. They don’t love you anymore.”  It doesn’t hurt to see her now. It doesn’t hurt when I imagine her and him. The only thing that hurts now are the dreams and the memories. Every night I’m haunted by moments where we were happy, I’m tortured by my mind displaying scenes where she takes me back, and it cuts me. It slits me open because I know that it’s nothing more than a bad joke my mind is telling me, and when I wake up I have to sow my seams together as I spill across my bed. There is no drug with a worse withdrawal effect than love. This must explain why she hopped into something so fast. All I can help but wonder is, was I just the rebound? Was I really anything to her at all? The tears stop falling now, but I continue to fall apart when the memories hit me like a sack of vindictive bricks. All I can say is that there is a part of me that welcomes it, partly because I deserve it for all the broken hearts I’ve caused and partly because at least it shows that I can still feel. 

I remember the snow in December,
how me and grandpa used to play,
the angels that we made.
I remember the cold in November,
all the stuffing that we ate,
all the times that we laughed.
I remember the leaves in October,
all the goblins that I met,
all the children that grew fat.
But now in December,the snow lay undisturbed,
only devils to be found, as the snow falls on the ground.
Now in November,the stuffing sparse and thinner, and there is no laughter in the air, the cupboards are nearly bare.
Now in October,the monsters feast at night, and they grow awfully fat, as the children scurry around like mice.

I wish I had never met you so that I wouldn’t be addicted to you. You know what you do with your looks! God damn you! I love you! God damn you! I LOVE you! And unlike others my love is enough for you. And unlike others I’m not running away from you. So I’m charging you for kidnapping because I want my heart back! You thief. You cute con artist. You sexy cat burglar who snuck into my life and made yourself at home and then like this was fucking RENT tried to claim squatters rights. Well damn your right. You can stay here,but don’t mess up my shit! Or hurt me one bit because I love you. Even though I don’t deserve to and sometimes I’m a complete fool, you can stay as long as you can stand me, and even then I hope you’ll still stand by me. Even when I’m winy or a tiny bit jealous of that one kid who you always hang out with, hell I can’t pick your friends, but I’m glad you picked me. It makes me feel as if I’m in a bad movie. You know were the one ugly guy gets the girl, oh yeah that shit only happens in real life or in a straight up comedy, but we must be in both because when I’m with you I’m fucking hilarious cause I love making you laugh. Your smile hits deeper than a porn star after a bottle of Viagra and trust me that’s deep. I guess what I’m trying to say with all of this is that your really neat. I like you a lot. I’m glad we gave this a shot. I’m glad you gave me a shot. I’ll try not to fuck up to bad, but if I do would you forgive me? Would you admit that your every bit as addicted to me as I you? You love me I know you do. So lets never call it quits ok? Because no one likes a quitter. -SF

I’m afraid of losing her. Is that the curse of love, or is that instead the curse of fear?
Sometimes we mistake our insecurities as the result of love,but maybe being insecure is actually a true gage of how much we fear the power the other person has over us. For when we start caring for someone,and we allow someone in the most protected parts of ourselves,we give them the power to hurt us; and it seems in some sick way a part of us believes that we should be hurt. We start to look at the things we have done, the people we have wronged, and the mistakes we have made in past relationships; and we start to think (and some of us start to believe) that we do not deserve the happiness that we are experiencing. Some of us handle this in different ways. Some of us self-destruct while others of us try to atone for our sins in some way, but in any way that we handle this we in some way won’t allow ourselves to believe that life is not fair. Sometimes we do things wrong and instead of receiving some karma driven atonement we receive what we are supposed to receive, and that is experience. Experience we use to not make the same mistakes. We try harder and we care more, but if we don’t eventually except the unfairness of life we will ruin the present because we are stuck in the past . Relationships end, and some things don’t work out, but fear and love are not one in the same. You must love in-spite of fear not due to it.
Maybe I am just talking to myself because at times I don’t believe I deserve her.I guess that’s the great thing about a gift, I don’t deserve it and I did nothing to earn it, but it was just given to me and now it is up to me on how I must take care of her.

Many things can be left unsaid, but they speak volumes in the open air. Sometimes our eyes listen better then our ears do. As we see things we aren’t supposed to. We say things we never meant to. Our bodies always betray us, and to the trained eye we are like books left open to be rifled through. As we let men flip through our pages as they scan over our reactions not our words. Silence actually isn’t our friend because we never really do shut up. We talk loudly you and I. We say things we are too afraid to say in the glances that we let slip out of the corners of our eyes. Sometimes you are subtle but then other times you are yelling at me stop, no, and go slow. To the untrained eye we are talking about the classes we took today,but if they were to watch us closely they would realize. Are you a good interpreter? Let me test your skills, as I slide my hand up your thigh and I let the silence begin.

The past will sneak up on you before you know it. Pictures that looked like new one day seem to be faded and worn the next. Friends will look like strangers, age will replace beauty, and memories will be harder to grasp. Carpe diem is not enough, for seizing one moment or one opportunity leaves space for waste. Why not take it all? Why not live your life taking every opportunity given to you, fulfilling every moment and not wasting one precious second of youth? Carpe Vitam. Seize life. 

Is loneliness a product of reality or is it a mental state we subject ourselves to? Is it real or is it a prison that our insecurities make for us? As I look around I have no idea of what to think. I just know that I’m lonely. I feel forgotten even though I know that this is not true. That there are people around me, surrounding me, and willing to be there for me. They just aren’t there in the way that I need them to be. I just want someone to understand me. Not the me that I project,or the me that I protect, but the me that’s hidden in the shell of a man that smiles when he is crying. Sadness is not what surprises me in life but its the taste of happiness that Is unfamiliar to me. It’s a drug that I don’t trust. So I distance myself from it and sink it into this loneliness. This abyssal prison of my own making. With “see through” walls that make it easy for me to navigate but hard for those trying to get through;for those who say, “I just want to get close to you”. I know everyone and everyone claims to know me. This is how a ghost must feel. Stories are told about them but no one really sees them. They only feel the breeze or the shiver of a cold touch. Am I cold to the touch? No, too many people come crying for my warmth trying to milk advice from me as they make no effort to actually see if they can help me. I have to pick people of me like leeches. They buzz around like mosquitos when I have something that they desire, but then when my veins are dry they buzz off into the distant night sky. Like drunk college girls running out of a frat house when the kegs are tapped out, and like the horny men leaving because they want to tap what just fled out. I am useless when I am not useful. I guess I’m just the definition of a tool, but I cant be hypocritical because we are all guilty of using and discarding. So I guess every time this happens to me I should chalk this is up to karma. Someone that I loved once said that there is a difference between being honest and being mean. I wonder if life is just being really honest or being a bitch. I guess we will never know as we play the parts that we write for ourselves. Putting on plays of life with no rewind switch as we are unable to fast forward through the commercials, and we are forced to sit and just enjoy the show.

    Time is starting to scare me. That’s how I can tell I’m getting older. I no longer feel like I have all the time in the world. I feel as if I am grasping at straws and my life is already filled up with plans I’ve made for myself. As an adolescent I remember watching adults run about cursing underneath their breath about how they have no time, and I always found it peculiar because I felt I had too much of it. As I look over old messages that I never delete I realize how fast time has moved, how I have done so much in two little years, grown so much in four, and  how so much has happened to twist and turn the course of my life. I dare not think about what will happen in another four. How old lovers might fade through my life as I hold onto the memory of who they were to me. Memories are sometimes curses, it depends how you have lived your life and how your life has lived on you. Many people will read that sentence and ponder over it for awhile wondering what the hell I mean and some will understand. I don’t know what is ahead of me, but I’m somewhat frightened of it. Is it arrogance to think you know you are meant to do something great or is it simple clairvoyance? I like to believe the latter is true. I like to believe that all men who have done something of great purpose in history have been afraid of doing it. A destined man is fearful of his destiny, but then why do these men tremble when they are at the precipice of realizing their destiny? I think there is a seed of uncertainty that is planted deep in men’s hearts, overcoming it is heroism. 

(Source: stutteringfool)

     It was just another day in the usually deserted taco bell. In front of me I had my usual stomach destroying assortment of nachos and a Crunch Wrap Supreme. To my left and to my right were the only people in the whole place who just like me were distracted by their cell phones and the conversations they were carrying on  online. Today was just another ordinary day. Until the unassuming man with his black sunglasses and his green polo shirt to my left decided to get up and leave, and in leaving he left his seat open for any manner of man. As I finished off my nachos and worked my way to the Crunch Wrap Supreme I noticed this man making his way to the now open seat next to me. He wore a brown long sleeve shirt with sweat stains around the brim of his collar and arm pits. His skin was leather-ed  red by the sun and blackened by dirt. His nails were long and unkept  and dirt was deeply lodged into them to the point that it caked around his finger tip. His face was hollowed and his beard was wild and gray. He looked beaten, not by someone, but by life. As he walked he walked with his chest high in the air as his back was hurting and his gait was staggered. The woman next me glanced at him and gave him a sideways look as she continued her meal. I on the other found myself unable to eat as the man sat next to me. I couldn’t look at him and know his hunger and steadily fulfill mine, It was wrong. I find that in the city if someone doesn’t want to help they tend to cope by looking away. I wonder if that helps their conscience. I know I’ve done it, I know everyone has, but does that make it right? As we sit there and reason with ourselves why we didn’t help, why they might be scamming us, and how someone else will help; Do we ever really sit there and wonder if we would do the same to someone who’s on fire? Human being’s turn a blind eye to many atrocities until they can turn no longer.  

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                “All people are inherently selfish..”- Chris  

             ”The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation“ -Thoreau

   I find that me and my friend Chris differ on our opinions about human nature. He believes that human beings are inherently selfish, that no act they do is ever truly unselfish. I on the other hand challenge this opinion often. I don’t know if I challenge his opinion  because of religious beliefs or the fact that I don’t find it to be that simple. I find human beings to be more complicated than that. Still I found that I was left with the question, that if human beings are not inherently selfish than what are they? This I found was answered during the course of this year.

    As I was involved in a production of a play called Paragon Springs the only thing that I could find as a true definition of my character and the show was the quote by Thoreau that said, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”. I found that it wasn’t selfish nature that lead the character’s to commit selfish acts, but it was desperation that drove them to think only of themselves. This summer I have been enthralled with the show Breaking Bad, were in the show the main character a chemistry teacher slowly develops into an anti-hero after his morals are challenged by the news that he has lung cancer and that he could possibly die leaving his pregnant wife and his son who has cerebral palsy to fend for themselves. In this series he takes to creating meth and sneaking behind his family’s back to help support them, and everyday he is faced with another moral dilemma. This show and the production that I was involved in this year pointed me towards my conclusion. People are not inherently selfish, but they are inherently desperate. Desperation drives many men. It is always there no matter how much you have or how comfortably you live. Desperation comes in many forms and is the product of sociological and biological pressures. Biologically we find ourselves desperate for food, comfort,a mate, and etc. Sociologically we find ourselves desperate for social acceptance, status,intimacy, and etc. We use society to fulfill our biological needs and we navigate through society to obtain our sociological needs, but once one of these many needs or wants are not attained we find ourselves in a state of desperation. In this state is when we act irrationality and we circumvent our moral barriers.

     Everyone has there own quiet desperation. Some people are desperate for the necessities of life and must do things that we would find to be immoral because they have no choice or they tell themselves they have no choice. Others have there needs met biologically, but psychologically or sociologically there are desperate for something new, something exciting, maybe even something as simple as attention, and they will in some way act to achieve what they are desperate for. Children are selfish. This does not prove that people at the root are inherently selfish, but that children (or at least children in house holds that can provide for them) have not yet been educated that they have an abundance of food and comforts and are acting out of primal instincts to attain food and comforts for themselves to survive. They are then acting out of desperation caused by ignorance of  the knowledge of what they have. If you were to ascertain that a child not sharing food with another child is inherently selfish than you would find every living thing to be inherently selfish. It is through education and discipline that we teach the child that they have access to their necessities and that it is not going to harm them to share their things with others. This lesson is the lesson we teach our children and we say we are teaching them to be unselfish, but truthfully we are teaching them to gauge what they have and to share only what they have an abundance of. This same child grows up and does the same thing in life. If he is rich he finds it easy to give enough money away to those who need it, but still remain comfortable. If he is poor he then gives his time away to others as acts of kindness instead of money. People will easily give what they have an abundance of as long as it does not send them into a state of desperation. Fear of desperation is the root of selfishness. People can be selfish they can also be evil, but the average person at their root are more complicated then that. We as human beings are just uncomfortable with being uncomfortable and it is true selflessness when someone acts out of their comfort zone. 

(Source: stutteringfool)

      As I was looking for other things to post on tumblr today I ran across this and it caught my attention. In reading it I realized that this put into words almost perfectly of what is happening to our country. I believe that during a time when knowledge is so readily available there are too many people making uneducated choices. People are still being tricked into voting for this and that person just because they have a good slogan or just because they are aligned with the “right” party. Anti-intellectualism is hostility towards the gaining of knowledge or those who are intellectuals. It is not ignorance but the contentious decision to be uneducated and to be apart of the “common class” of people. I put common class in quotation marks because anti-intellectuals deem intellectuals to be in another social class. Anti-intellectuals choose to be ignorant thinking that this will help to not distract them from solving problems of the common man, the majority.  The thing that I find most astounding is that in this country an idea or an issue’s importance is measured or valued only by how many people stand up for it. We will march and boycott because of sweat shops and because of worker’s rights but we won’t march to get the homeless off of the street. Issue’s become fads day after day. A decade ago the environment was a big issue, but now it’s just another ploy to get you to purchase something. Is all this really doing anything to solve the overall problem? Is the majority truly right if the majority is acting out of ignorance?

       Ignorance has moved people since the dawn of time. Wars were waged and lives were laid down with the soldiers only knowing half the reason that they were fighting. It happened then and it’s happening now, but I don’t understand how we can operate in ignorance if we are supposed to be in the age of information.Ignorance is not bliss but a trade of ones mind to the subjugation of someone else controlling it. True freedom is knowing and doing something about what you know. I don’t think the majority can master that though. People, in a general sense, are worried about themselves and the thing that is directly effecting them right then and there. They do not worry about the future or their actions effect on it. People are inherently desperate to survive and will give up anything to do so, even if it means giving up tomorrow for an easier today. The true miracle in life is when that is defied. The true shock is not when a man operates out of his inherent selfishness but when they surpass that to do something they deem worth more. I marvel at those who think of others, of activist’s who want to change the world for the better. I do not doubt that changes will be made, but I do realize the reality of the pace at which they will be made. We as human beings through out history have always made the changes that forward seeking men have pointed out we should make way after we disregard them and call them idiots. We change one thing, one at a time, bettering ourselves on one hand as we also are doing something else to hurt ourselves on the other. We are productive while being destructive at the same time and the only reason why we are still making it on this planet is because we manage to keep it in balance. At times yes the destructive acts and repercussions get out of hand, but we have managed to quell those retaliations of nature and go on.

       So I would conclude that this is because no matter how the average IQ rises we still have a good balance of anti-intellectuals. Those who tip the scales in favor of recklessness and make life the struggle it is. No matter how many intellectuals you put in a room you will have a rift form out of different beliefs and getting anything done for the majority of the group would be a struggle. This would happen also if you were to fill the room with the ignorant. I feel though that if you have the right mix of both then you have a war between the intellectuals with lemmings to tip the scales and even though that might sound harsh that is human nature. A leader rises and the people are used to fight the battle and decide the out come, is there really any deference in democracy? As the candidates duke it out and wage their war over your mind aren’t you just playing the role of a chess piece in their ultimate game as they are trying to fulfill their ultimate agenda? If this is true than I would also find it to be true that your representatives only represent you when they are reminded that they are truly your representatives. That is the ultimate check in our system. The people have the ultimate power, and that brings me back to the image I saw today. “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ’my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’” Democracy means that the power lies with the people, that when your representatives let power turn them into kings of old that used said power to carry out their own agenda’s, it is the job of the people to remind them that they are representatives not rulers. That they represent those who rule the land they do not rule the land themselves. Anti-intellectualism robs you of that power and turns you into a piece in that aforementioned game. Even though I said that it is the balance of having anti-intellectuals that keeps our world running I only said that to be realistic. There will always be the ignorant, but in America when we have so much and knowledge is at our finger tips the majority should not be ignorant because truthfully your ignorance isn’t just as good as my knowledge it’s your voice and your vote that is the great equalizer. So I urge those who read this to use it wisely and to not make an uneducated decision this year because you have been given power in your vote and your decision just doesn’t effect you it effects us all. Nothing is too small in this world nothing truly insignificant, the smallest grains of sand forms the shore and the smallest atoms form water in all its infinite’s and life giving importance. Your vote also creates something, it also matters.

(Source: stutteringfool)

I’m back! Even though most of you do not come to my tumblr for the blog part of it to that one who does, I’m back and will continue to supply words of wisdom and nonsense. It seems like a lot has changed in life for me. I have now graduated from high school and I am headed to college, I have a beautiful girlfriend who I love, and I am happy. It seems like this exclamation is a rarity though, most of the time you don’t see people boasting of their happiness on the internet. Instead, you see them posting about life’s problems and negativity, and even though life might have dark patches there is still a lot in life to enjoy. The measure of one’s life is not how many obstacles there was before them, but of how they overcame them and the fact that they did. Trust me. I have not had the easiest life and I have much that I still have to let go, but my greatest accomplishment is that I am letting go and I am moving on. My future is not bright and sunny from here, but as I know the sun will set in some parts I also am aware the sun rise is not too far away. I will try to blog more often now that I find myself with more free time this summer and hopefully I’ll allocate some loyal fans who enjoy the thoughts of a stuttering fool.

Sometimes in life you find yourself in what can only be best described as a sticky situation. You find that your stuck or shoved in between a rock and a very hard place. In the earlier years of my life that rock was usually some 200 pound behemoth who was held back one to many times and was trying to punch my lights out for pointing out the fact that while most boys at this time were getting their first chin hairs he had been shaving for 5 years, and my hard place was the brick wall outside of the school who deemed him rightfully unintelligent. Life is funny like that though, it throws in a little irony in a bad situation and then sprinkles in a little comedic timing and pow you’ve got a fat lip. What I find that helps me through life’s journey  is the ability to laugh at the hilarity of ones own situation. If you were really to take a step back and look at many of the situations you find yourself in you would be laughing your butt off. Laughter heals many wounds and that and the cold bag of peas on my face was the trick to healing mine. It made a sticky situation a funny one and it taught me to take the good with the bad, and when life gives you a fat lip and a bag of peas, go make lunch.  

I sit and stare and think of dreams long forgotten and never spent, 

of marsh and lakes and trees that where here and there when times were innocent.

When there was work and riots were not held,

When life had perks that often overwhelmed

the average man the average women whose home was safe and warm

and without scorn and with out riot their life was never forlorn.

But as I sit in warm and safe solitude

the attitude of the many are ready over throw the few

for the few have done them injustice.

And must this country not cry for equality.

The need to be equally

economiclly safe is overwhelming.

As the 99 tell the 1 to stop dining 

and to sit down and without frown to listen to their crying.

-Domonique Gray

  It seems like a lot of people have their own ways of dealing with the future. Some try to ignore it and others seem to dwell on it, but no matter what we say the future is something that at one time or another worries,scares,or excites us. It the human beings innate nature to be impatient and sometimes we spend a lot of the moments we have in the here and now worrying about tomorrow. I’m not saying don’t prepare or plan but there is a thin line between cautious action and obsessive worrying. Don’t pray and worry. If you have done all you can then let what happens happen. Come what may.